The Wisdom of Grandparents

My Paternal Grandmother
Maria Psilou

A flood of memories and an abundance of emotions were upon me as I entered the Greek Orthodox Church as part of my attendance during the annual Greek Festival. Although I left the religion when I was sixteen, my Greek heritage runs deep within my soul and DNA. Most memories I have of attending church as a child however, were nothing more than ritualistic to me. I had no knowledge of the meaning behind the processes observed by this little girl. Nevertheless, I am still very much drawn to those experiences. 

On this particular summer day, there were two nicely dressed men standing in the entry of the cathedral. I lit a candle for someone dear to me, a tradition I remember well. I saw the icon of the Virgin Mary and recalled how each time we entered the church, I stepped upon the stool, made the sign of the cross and kissed the icon. I personally did not recall the image of the icon as it was covered with dark lipstick marks.

I felt an opportunity present itself and approached these men with my questions in an attempt to understand what I felt was never made clear to me. I explained to them that I was Greek and grew up in the church, but asked if they would mind indulging me with some questions. 

“Is the icon always the Virgin Mary, or does each church use the icon of the patron saint?” I asked. 

They answered this query along with others, with an increasingly quizzical expressions. In a polite voice I explained, “I mean no disrespect. I don’t recall the meaning behind our required actions entering the church and during the service. I was a little girl and it was never explained to me.” Then their response came and immediately stilled my heart.

“Where was your Yiayia?” I nearly wept. 

Yiayia is the Greek work for grandmother. Sadly I did not have the opportunity of growing up with either of mine. My maternal grandmother passed away when I was seven and I never had the opportunity to get to know her nor my grandfather. My paternal grandparents never came to America and passed away long before I was born. I never had the privilege of meeting them. I knew immediately the meaning behind this question and yet continued to ponder it for some time to come.

One of the greatest joys in my life is that of being a grandmother. With our son being in the military, we had the privilege of having my grandchildren living in our home on a few occasions. There is a very special delight that this experience brings. The simple act of hearing them call out for you from the bottom of the stairs when you first emerge out of your bedroom in the morning, the pure gratification that comes from reading to them their favorite book, and the pleasure their squeals and giggles bring as they echo throughout your home while they are playing...priceless. Every moment your heart is full. No other experience compares. Happy, enthusiastic, loving and quick to forgive are innate traits of a child.

Why was it so important for them to know where my Yiayia was? How important are grandparents in a child’s life? Did the fact that I did not have grandparents growing up speak volumes to these men, especially in regards to the understanding of my faith?

I believe that mothers and grandmothers play a godly role in families. It is usually the mother that keeps the family grounded in their faith, teaches the children scripture stories at a very young age, how to pray to a Heavenly Father, and encourages them to be honest and make the right choices. This is not to say that the father and grandfather do not have an equally important role; however, more often than not, the foundation comes from the matriarch in the home. 

Once the matriarch was respected in a home, and in many cultures she still is. Counsel was appreciated and accepted with consideration. In my personal experience and in observance of many around me however, this is no longer the case. 

I understand that times are different and the suggestions provided by many parents and grandparents may sometimes feel outdated to today’s young mothers. Daughters and daughter-in-laws can feel challenged, defensive or in competition as advice is given. It is critical therefore that mothers and grandmothers understand important boundaries. It is equally essential for new mothers to appreciate the significant role of a grandmother in a child’s life. They do not replace the mother; they add an element to a child’s life that can not be experienced in any other way. This is the same for fathers and grandfathers.

Unconditional Love: My intent is not to diminish a mother’s love for her child, but there is a special bond that children have with their grandparents. Let’s admit that parents can often feel tired, worn-out and overwhelmed. This can bring about in the child a feeling of not being loved, not important enough or just being an annoyance to their parents, even though this is not intended by the parents. Grandparents can fill that void and provide additional love and support in a family.

An Anchor: Traditions can play a huge role in nurturing a healthy family. The experience of growing up with generations can be vital to a child’s well being. It provides a sense of security in an often confusing and tumultuous world our little ones to have to endure. Grandparents provide a child with a trusting resource in times of questions and concerns. The more pillars of strength in a family unit, the more stable one may feel.

Special Memories: Sweet tender moments spent alone with grandma or grandpa are priceless and cherished by both a child and their grandparents, whether it be fishing, playing at the park, an excursion to the zoo, grabbing an ice cream cone, an overnighter with pizza, or a couple hours at the movies. 

The Art of Spoiling: Ah yes! Spoiling is often a struggle especially between the young mother and the grandmother, and the mother’s desires for her child must be respected. There is however, something choice about knowing that your grandmother gives in where your parents do not; not in an effort to defy the parents, but just to make you feel extra special.

Sadly we see many families struggling with divorce and other relationship issues. Often times we know that the children pay the price. Parents are kept from their children and, "it’s complicated"…or we make it so. It is critical for a child’s well being, whether through a divorce or family disagreements and estrangements, that we work diligently to preserve for the child an environment that is civil and is as normal and healthy as possible. Children should not be ponds between parents or grandparents. All are important in a child’s life and their feelings of being less valued, to blame, or abandoned and unloved will play a major role in the remainder of their lives.

Mother knows best is a motto we can all appreciate. There are times however, when a mother (or father) through anger, pride, or a hardened heart will believe that keeping their child away from the other parent, grandmother, grandfather or others, is best for her child. Unless there is physical or emotional abuse, this is generally not the case and can and does often do irreparable damage.

Me, Age 2

My heart aches for the grandparents I never had the opportunity to love and be loved by. I still long for those missed gentle talks, story times, and opportunities in the kitchen of learning how to make kouroulakia and Greek breads. Learning about my faith at my Yiayia's feet and hearing her sweet words of prayer, are treasures that are missing from my life.

There is wisdom and love in grand-parenting.